Things I wish I had a picture of...
(And if you by chance have any of these pictures, please by all means send them to me.)
As many of you know, I love taking pictures. In fact, the biggest insult I could give in my review of the train wreck of a restaurant Johnny Garlic's (a Guy Fieri restaurant) was that it was the first time in several YEARS that I did NOT take a single picture at a meal I ate away from home. That's doubly an insult because I also photo the bad food along with the good, the only stuff that doesn't get photographed is the stuff so amazingly meh that I can't think of a reason to share the image with anybody.
Because of my addiction to taking pictures (as opposed to actual photography, which I supremely suck at) I carry my iPhone with me at all times. If I need higher resolution I can go to my actual camera that is also with me at all times in my messenger bag. And if all else fails I can use my Disney Princess camera that I have hidden in the glove compartment of our car, although the picture quality is bad enough to be an insult to the words picture and quality.
It was not always the case that I had a camera on me at all times. In my life, I call the time before 1995 "The Dark Times" and the time before 2001 "The Grey Times" mainly because technology had not progressed to a level where life was easily documented. As a result of this, my memories are littered with things that unfortunately I have no pictures of except for in my head. So if you are one of the many people I know from the Dark or Grey eras and have a picture of any of these things, please PLEASE send me a scan of them.
- The scarf that depicts getting sexually assaulted by a monkey. I was in the south of Spain with my roommate during college and we decided to take a jaunt over to Gibraltar. In one of the shops we found a scarf that depicted various attractions from around Gibraltar. One of the attractions was a Gibraltar ape, which was pictured in sort of a hilariously aggressive pose sort of glaring out from the scarf. The real kicker was that the person who designed the scarf had not learned how to space or size letters, so next to the ape it said gibraltaRAPE. I believe we almost bought the scarf to take it with us, but then decided like frat boys to spend the money on booze.
- Ebby goes crunch. Now this one happened recently, but I just didn't have the camera out or nearby to grab the picture. We had been playing with Ebby and she was chasing the laser across the living room into the dining room. When she went into the dining room, Jody would shine the laser way up on the wall and Ebby would jump a good 4 feet in the air trying to get it. Well, on one such trip we saw Ebby go flying into the dining room but fail to jump. Instead we heard a deep kerchunk as Ebby made full facial slam contact into the wall and fell over. A few seconds later she wandered out of the dining room all dazed and flopped over on the floor next to us. Jody shined the laser next to Ebby and the cat just glared at the dot and started hissing. Poor cat.
- Tunaface! While on the subject of cats, my previous cat was narcoleptic and once fell asleep with his entire face in a can of tuna. Although thinking about it, I need two pictures here: one of the cat with his face in the tuna, and the other of the look on his face as I was trying to wash tuna off of it. Both would have made contest winning lolcats.
- Teahouse porn. On my campus visit to Duke my parents decided to go see the Duke Gardens (actually, since my mother is obsessed with gardens this is the ONLY thing we ever see on family vacations. We once took a cross country road trip to Yellowstone and the only thing we ever saw in any city we went to were the botanical gardens.) Anyway, we wound up walking past the Japanese teahouse, where we were encountered by some dude vigorously doing his girlfriend doggy style (this is at 1 in the afternoon). This is also memorable because it marks one of the few times in recorded history that both of my parents had something witty to say at the same time. Dad: "that not Japanese tea ceremony" Mom: "Maybe administration pay them to display sex to show this school have more than study."
- Tractor fail. I came across a motor vehicle accident (well sort of) between a tractor and an Amish buggy. Now, I'm not sure how either of those vehicles got going fast enough to cause an accident, but stranger things have happened in Ohio. The truly funny part was that the Amish buggy driver was insured but the guy driving the tractor was not. Wonder if the Amish guy used GEICO...
- Hypercolor, indeed. Hypercolor shirts and other clothing, which changed color from body heat (or other heat) were all the rage in 7th grade and everyone wore the stuff. That is, until a girl wore a Hypercolor shirt and shorts to school with no underwear, causing her nipples and crotch area to glow with heat. Yeah, she got sent home.
- Enron. I should have taken tons of pictures the day I interviewed at Enron. I even saw the gold train that they used to bring bonus checks to the execs.
- Marilyn Manson confronts his roots. Mister gothboy himself is from the high school next to mine. I ran into him along with some of my friends in a bar in Cleveland. My drunk friend decided to repeatedly call him Brian Warner, asking about his high school, and asking him what it was about Ohio that made him so angry that he made miserable music. To his credit Marilyn started laughing hysterically and made some comment along the lines of "I had someone else's penis in my mouth when I was on stage, I'm really not going to be bothered by talking about who was mean to me in Algebra."
- Paris Hilton, pre sex tape. Ran into her leaving a club in NYC. She really did look less plastic back then, I swear.
- Election night 2008. Mere seconds after Obama is announced as the winner, one of my neighbors put his head outside his window and yelled "TAKE THAT WHITE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!"
- I thought that was in my checked luggage! Lady sitting a few feet in front of me on a flight from Minneapolis to Tokyo is fumbling around with her purse looking for something and pulls out a giant floppy sex toy. Realizes what she has done and puts it back in her purse, looks around and sighs with relief thinking nobody saw it. Well not only I saw it, but during deplaning the woman who was sitting next to me points at dildo lady and says "Wonder if she had a satisfying flight?"
- No more menus! I was spending the night at a friend's place in Dallas when I heard what sounded like someone trying to break in. I sat up in bed and heard the distinct sound of her doorknob being jiggled. I grabbed a knife from the kitchen and went to the front door. Glanced out the peephole and saw some guy trying to rubberband a menu to the doorknob, except after almost a minute this guy was still struggling to do it. I got up right next to the door and yelled "BACK AWAY FROM THE DOOR! I AM ARMED AND WILL FIRE!". The guy took off running and dropped his menus in a hilarious trail from the door to his car.
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Comments
"that not Japanese tea ceremony"
Classic. I'm now using "Japansese tea ceremony" as a euphemism.